what can happen in a year

In taking a look at my old posts from more than a year ago, I had forgotten that Zora Neale Hurston's quote had been on my mind at the turn into 2011. I'd also forgotten that C. S. Lewis poem about Addison's Walk.

It turns out, 2011 was a year of more questions. And the summer did not come true (at least, not in the way the Addison Walk bird insinuated).

2011, in brief, looked something like this:

• February: Learn that we were moving from my home (a 2-story + basement house) to a 1,000-sq ft apartment in another state. 
• April: Return for spring break to discover all my childhood memories for sale in basically any available room on the first floor. If we'd sold our books from K-5th grade for just $2 each, we would've had over $400. I remembered every single book.
• June-July: Take a summer chemistry course in which I was the only liberal arts major. After class, apartment-hunt all day. Homework all night. Find refuge in my home church and re-establishing friendships there.
• July: PACK. and also, paint the new apartment. 
• August: MOVING DAY. Live in an apartment full of unpacked boxes, with no furniture and a family that doesn't even get along when we have our own rooms. We fell apart. Return to school totally broken.
• September - December: Literary Criticism & Theory consumed my life. At least, any part of it that hadn't succumbed to deep depression. After 3 years of loss, my body gave out. Stopped eating, speaking, caring. Friends forced me to meals & counseling. Around December, I finally started to get better. 

2012, in short, has been a year of healing. If you'd told me a year ago that by this time I would have started to get better, feel happy again, and find a place that feels like home, I would've laughed at you. Or stared blankly past you and rolled back to stare at the wall. 

But God had other plans. He placed people & events in my life to pull me back up. He did not leave me alone. He is a God of healing, restoration, and love. 

Hopefully, in the next few weeks, I'll be able to process some of that and put it to words.

song of the summer:

"Aslan," Kendall Payne

Don't stop your crying on my account,

A frightening lion, no doubt. 

He's not safe, no, He's not safe--

Are you tempted now to run away? 

The King above all Kings is coming down. 

But He won't say the words you wish that He would;

Oh, He don't do the deeds you know that He could;

He won't think the thoughts you think that He should

But He is good...He is good. 

I know you're thirsty, the water is free--

But I should warn you, it costs everything.

Well, He's not fair, no, He's not fair

When He fixes what's beyond repair

And graces everyone that don't deserve. 

No one knows Him whom eyes never seen.

No, I don't know Him, but He knows me,

He knows me, He knows me. 

Lay down your layers, shed off your skin,

But without His incision, you can't enter in. 

He cuts deep, yeah, He cuts deep

When the risk is great & the talk is cheap,

But never leaves a wounded one behind.

promises & praise: 0082-0095

This week started well.  But then struggle spiraled downward.  
Focus...gone. 
Motivation...none. 
Prayer...inarticulate, distracted.
Scripture reading...last priority.  Even when I knew it should be my first comfort.  
Guilt...off the charts.
My soul crawled to the Lord's Table on Sunday morning.

And because God is good, faithful to His promises, abounding in grace, mercy, and steadfast love, my soul left that Table singing a new song.  And so this week, I give thanks for...  

0082:  This post by Sarah Markley on forgiveness.  ("He’d rather us hug one another, but when we can’t just bring ourselves to throw our arms around the neck of someone who has wounded us in our soul, He is there. We can fall into Him and be reconciled to one another BECAUSE of Him".  Amen & amen.)

0083:  pictures of my new baby nephew.

0084:  my younger (now taller) sister.  and her infectious giggle.

0085:  cool breeze and 80 degrees.  finally. 

0086.  a porch swing on which to enjoy #85. 

0087:  after-dark driving with my dad.

0088:  "Is anyone among you in trouble?  He should pray."  (even if all I can pray is "Father...hold me.")

0089:  "Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

0090:  "...the Lord knows how to rescue the godly from trials..."

0091:  "The word of the LORD is upright, and all His work is done in faithfulness."

0092:  "The earth is full of the steadfast love of the LORD."

0093:  "He spoke, and it came to be; He commanded, and it stood firm."

0094: "Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear Him, on those who hope in His steadfast love, that He may deliver their soul from death and keep them alive in famine."  

0095:  "My sin -- not in part, but the whole -- is nailed to the cross, & I bear it no more.  Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!" 

my dad sings like perry como

Saturday morning sunlight streamed through lace curtains as a 5-year-old early riser stretched and blinked the sleep from her eyes.  Instantly she heard singing - loud, wake-the-whole-house baritone singing.  That only meant one thing:  Dad was cooking breakfast that morning, and he was happy.  As she got closer, the girl, realized he was singing a love song to her mom: "Some enchanted eeveniinngg, you will see a straaangeeerr.  You will see a straangeerr across a crowded rooomm.  And somehow you'll knooww, you'll know even theenn, that somewhere you'll see her again and aaaggaaaiiiinnn..."

The 5 year old giggled.  Mom glowed.  

Later that afternoon: "Daddy, how did you and mom fall in looooovee?" 
"We didn't, Laura.  We stepped deliberately into it."

"Oh," disappointedly.  "Well that's no fun."  

"That's what you think."

~*~

I never get tired of my parents' incredible love story - how he wasn't really looking, but they met at work and my mom suggested lunch (or something).  How 4 months later my mom bought a simple dress at a department store (which still fits!), and they married in a small chapel with a few family and friends, and that was that - their married life began.  He provided, and she paid the bills, and he kept the house running when migraines hit, and they raised 2 girls and made each other laugh.

It's been 20 years, and still sometimes I catch them slow-dancing in the kitchen as dinner cooks.  

Happy 20^th anniversary, mom & dad. 

0052-0064: journey mercies and wedding bells

I never really understood the concept of “journey mercies” or the comfort in prayer for safe travels…until I took a road trip by myself.

0052: The semitruck miraculously saw us and did not run us into the wall on the George Washington Bridge. Accident averted.

0053: We never got hopelessly lost. Not even when Google directions were wrong and our maps were unhelpful. Not even when we missed a turn in Friday rush-hour New York City. Not even when we were driving around middle-of-nowhere New Hampshire.

0054: We never ran out of gas (…though I occasionally worried when we were stuck in traffic).

0055: Fresh fruit, soft-serve ice cream, and a friendly home at the end of a long driving day.

0056: The gracious hospitality of our friend’s family (especially their mother. Especially during a busy weekend.)

0057: Relaxing by the water.

0058: Driving past grave yards

0059: Blasting The Sound of Music cassette. Old School, I know.

0060: Patience and endurance for the long drive home. Even when we thought we would lose our minds from looking at so much traffic-filled highway.

0061-64: Her infectious joy. The way he treasures her. A wedding celebration that constantly proclaimed the Gospel and anticipated the wedding feast we will share in heaven with our faithful Groom. The spiritual reality that this image points me towards:

Lord of all, to Thee we raise this, our hymn of grateful praise.

one thousand gifts 1-14
one thousand gifts 14-30
one thousand gifts 31-51